"You're gonna get caught."
Imagine this being whispered in the darkness as you are roused from sleep. What would your conclusion be? Would you assume a pair of burglars have entered your home and one is chiding the other for his clumsiness? Would you assume the voice to be that of God, speaking to your guilty conscience?
Or would you assume it was two little shaggy-headed boys?
Just such an experience happened to Heather this morning. Aydan and Brennan were sneaking into our bedroom closet to claim their Easter baskets. Why were their baskets in our room the day after Easter? Because they are notorious for stealing little bits of candy and sweets from the kitchen in the brief moments between when they wake up and when we do. So this morning, as they were clanging around in our closet, their guilt was certain. Caught red-handed.
Some may read the story and thinks it's cute. Some may see the ingenuity and cleverness of my 2 and 5 year olds and be amazed. I'm furious. No...I'm hurt.
Sure, my first reaction is to be angry. They were told not to try to sneak candy and they do so. There is some type of deceptive streak that runs through their body, some devious, cunning anomoly to their cherubic heartbeats. For further proof, consider the conversation I had at dinner tonight.
"Daddy, Mom said I can't have dessert tonight."
"Why is that, Aydan?"
"Because I took too many sticks out." (It is a favorite practice of the boys to take branches from our firewood box in the garage and play with them as swords and guns and all manner of things destructive).
"Oh, that's too ba......"
"An' cause we ate cookies!"
"What is that Brennan?"
"We are cookies!"
"Aydan? What's this about?"
(Silence)
It turns out that before going to the closet, they went to the fridge. They eagerly devoured two rows of break-and-bake cookie dough before ever asking Heather for breakfast. The truly infuriating part is that Aydan wasn't going to say anything (because he had gotten away with it--Heather assumed I took the dough for a sack-lunch dessert). The only reason they were caught is because Brennan naively assumed the lack of dessert was somehow connected to the dirty deed he knew he'd perpetrated.
But I digress. After the fury subsides and I can feel the flush of heat retract from my face, I feel an ache in my heart. Why sneak? Why steal? Why lie? Well, the lie is to cover up the wrong that has been done. But why not just ask?
Heather nailed it when she recognized a pattern from her own life emerging in Aydan: "He takes without asking because he's afraid we'll say no." He anticipates disappointment and so to avoid not getting what he wants, he takes matters into his own hands.
He doesn't trust me.
Monday, April 17, 2006
What I Thought I Wanted
The following is told by Brennan Manning in his book, "Ruthless Trust."
When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at “the house of the dying” in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, “And what can I do for you?” Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
“What do you want me to pray for?” she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: “Pray that I have clarity.”
She said firmly, “No, I will not do that.” When he asked her why, she said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.” When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”
Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father’s active goodness and unrestricted love.
When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at “the house of the dying” in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, “And what can I do for you?” Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
“What do you want me to pray for?” she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: “Pray that I have clarity.”
She said firmly, “No, I will not do that.” When he asked her why, she said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.” When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”
Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father’s active goodness and unrestricted love.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Exhausted and Victorious
Viewing the past month, or the past 40 days, more specifically, I can see an intense period of meditation on Christ. This time of lent has been extremely beneficial, resulting in the most joyful Easter I can recall in a long time.
But the benefit did not come easily.
I have spent time in various fasts. I have had my views of life, security, happiness, and love smashed and destroyed, only to be built anew. I have lost sleep. I have endured pain.
How weak this time is when compared with Jesus and his 40 days in the wilderness. How trivial it seems in light of his passion.
But that is the hope and the joy of this day. Though trouble may come, it is light and momentary, fleeting in the scope of God's love and his eternity. Though I may be at the end of my resources, I could never fully tax God's limitless supply of all he has given me for life and godliness. Though life seems hard at times, there is new life. Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!
So, I am tired.
But more, I am alive.
I am forgiven.
I am victorious.
But the benefit did not come easily.
I have spent time in various fasts. I have had my views of life, security, happiness, and love smashed and destroyed, only to be built anew. I have lost sleep. I have endured pain.
How weak this time is when compared with Jesus and his 40 days in the wilderness. How trivial it seems in light of his passion.
But that is the hope and the joy of this day. Though trouble may come, it is light and momentary, fleeting in the scope of God's love and his eternity. Though I may be at the end of my resources, I could never fully tax God's limitless supply of all he has given me for life and godliness. Though life seems hard at times, there is new life. Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!
So, I am tired.
But more, I am alive.
I am forgiven.
I am victorious.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Exhausted and Defeated
A letter I am leaving for my wife tonight. I plan to head to bed in about 5 mintues.
Heather,
You know how you can just sense that some evenings will go badly?
This was one of those evenings.
And really, I’m just being melodramatic and selfish, but I’m exhausted and I can’t recover and every little failure seems like a colossal defeat. But here’s what happened. You’ll need to pick up some of the pieces (literally) in the morning.
1) I attempted to unclog the toilet.
Our snake did not work. I then took the toilet off and tried to snake it that way. Did not work. I then went to Home Depot and rented a better snake for $13/4 hrs. Did not work. So now I am $20 odd dollars and 2 odd hours into the project and things are no better…and I’m violently pissed off. Remember how I hate plumbing? Uh….yeah…..
***YOUR PART: Since I rented the snake at 7:30 (at the Roanoke HD on 377) and they close at 9 pm, it is due back by 9 am this morning. Feel free to wake up early and take a crack at it yourself, but please have the snake back by 9:00. (I went down the drain all 25 feet of snake and found no blockage. Could it still be a block in the toilet? Seems unlikely, though I was going to have the boys fish their hands around in that drainage curve and see what they found. Anyway, I’m stumped and completely unable to do anything about it.)
2) Brennan would not go to sleep without talking.
Again. So I put him in time-out in the library. He proceeded to pull the lamp off the desk, breaking the bulb and the glass. (Accident or deliberate? Not sure. It was dark and I didn’t want to talk to him about it, since it would have probably led to a violent outburst on my part.) I was going to vacuum up the shards, but since the vacuum was not put together (and since I was unable to put the components together on Saturday) I could not. Would you mind doing that?
3) Dry wall is not hung.
I guess that’s what got me disappointed and frustrated in the beginning. I was going to go back out and cut it correctly to set up for tomorrow, but I was afraid the sheetrock would literally crumble in my hands and I’d tear down the rest of the shed with my bear hands….so I left it for later.
But all is not lost. I did the dishes. Yipee…major victory right there.
Looking at my list, it seems petty. I must be completely depleted. I’m having trouble functioning. Bible study is still not complete, and it’s 9:30. I need to finish it, but if I don’t go to bed I might self destruct. Anyway, kiss me softly when you come in and say a prayer for Jesus to deliver my soul.
Love
jay
Heather,
You know how you can just sense that some evenings will go badly?
This was one of those evenings.
And really, I’m just being melodramatic and selfish, but I’m exhausted and I can’t recover and every little failure seems like a colossal defeat. But here’s what happened. You’ll need to pick up some of the pieces (literally) in the morning.
1) I attempted to unclog the toilet.
Our snake did not work. I then took the toilet off and tried to snake it that way. Did not work. I then went to Home Depot and rented a better snake for $13/4 hrs. Did not work. So now I am $20 odd dollars and 2 odd hours into the project and things are no better…and I’m violently pissed off. Remember how I hate plumbing? Uh….yeah…..
***YOUR PART: Since I rented the snake at 7:30 (at the Roanoke HD on 377) and they close at 9 pm, it is due back by 9 am this morning. Feel free to wake up early and take a crack at it yourself, but please have the snake back by 9:00. (I went down the drain all 25 feet of snake and found no blockage. Could it still be a block in the toilet? Seems unlikely, though I was going to have the boys fish their hands around in that drainage curve and see what they found. Anyway, I’m stumped and completely unable to do anything about it.)
2) Brennan would not go to sleep without talking.
Again. So I put him in time-out in the library. He proceeded to pull the lamp off the desk, breaking the bulb and the glass. (Accident or deliberate? Not sure. It was dark and I didn’t want to talk to him about it, since it would have probably led to a violent outburst on my part.) I was going to vacuum up the shards, but since the vacuum was not put together (and since I was unable to put the components together on Saturday) I could not. Would you mind doing that?
3) Dry wall is not hung.
I guess that’s what got me disappointed and frustrated in the beginning. I was going to go back out and cut it correctly to set up for tomorrow, but I was afraid the sheetrock would literally crumble in my hands and I’d tear down the rest of the shed with my bear hands….so I left it for later.
But all is not lost. I did the dishes. Yipee…major victory right there.
Looking at my list, it seems petty. I must be completely depleted. I’m having trouble functioning. Bible study is still not complete, and it’s 9:30. I need to finish it, but if I don’t go to bed I might self destruct. Anyway, kiss me softly when you come in and say a prayer for Jesus to deliver my soul.
Love
jay
Monday, April 03, 2006
For Pete's Sake
My friend is dying.
The feelings I have are bizarre. For one, I have neither seen nor spoken to this friend in an unknown number of years; yet there is still sorrow and heartfelt prayers on his behalf. I am glad that he holds fiercely to Christ even as he clings to life; yet I cry out to God, wondering why one so young, one who follows him, would have to suffer and die. My only memory of my friend is shooting bottle rockets at the neighbor across the street on a hazy summer afternoon; my only picture of my friend is an image I just saw of him and his wife holding each other and smiling...cancer-bald head and all.
I have been reading Job, and so in the face of suffering and questions, only the words from the beginning of Job's trials come to mind. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Father, we can only trust you when we cannot understand you in this. Draw near to Pete's family and strengthen them with ruthless trust in you.
The feelings I have are bizarre. For one, I have neither seen nor spoken to this friend in an unknown number of years; yet there is still sorrow and heartfelt prayers on his behalf. I am glad that he holds fiercely to Christ even as he clings to life; yet I cry out to God, wondering why one so young, one who follows him, would have to suffer and die. My only memory of my friend is shooting bottle rockets at the neighbor across the street on a hazy summer afternoon; my only picture of my friend is an image I just saw of him and his wife holding each other and smiling...cancer-bald head and all.
I have been reading Job, and so in the face of suffering and questions, only the words from the beginning of Job's trials come to mind. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Father, we can only trust you when we cannot understand you in this. Draw near to Pete's family and strengthen them with ruthless trust in you.
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