BEHOLD!! My yearbook photo for this year!

Thoughts on Thirty

I like to approach each new year with introspection and reflection. Typically, each 12 month period has a minimum of 3 "new years". The start of the school year signifies a new year. November brings a new year in my life. And of course January 1 brings the new calendar year.

This November will usher in a new year and a new decade. 30 years old. Such a momentous event makes me want to stop and savor the event even more than usual. So when the fear of scratching woke me this morning, I got up, went through my anti-itch regimen, and sat down to save some pictures from my blog onto my external hard drive. In the process, I reviewed close to three years of pictures and writings, and it helped to figure some things out. First, I think that it's safe to say I've been growing my hair out for nearly two years. I saw a picture from February 2007 showing my hair just past the shaved state, starting to get longer. Then I read a post from October and was reminded of my hair being "long" when I started at Central. So that issue has been cleared up in my mind. Also, if anyone was wondering, it's been since the first day of school that I shaved, so my beard represents around 13 weeks of growth. For my beard to be "1/4 of a year long" and still be so "short" is bothersome. I thought I'd look like ZZ Top by now.

Even more, it's enlightening to get some perspective on the big trends and happenings over the course of years in my life. I looked at a post from last December and it seems like I've been idling for a year. I was thinking about revolution and change and ending oppression. Now Heather and I have begun to talk and dream about it again, though in a slightly different way. I will remain optimistic and believe that I have not been idling, but rather fermenting. I'm hoping that God has been preparing me/us and that 30 will be one of my best years.

I'll have to consider this topic more in the near future. I'm off to grab breakfast and then play some Thanksgiving morning football. Happy Thanksgiving!

Campfires, Marshmallows...and Poison________

I think I've concluded that I have poison sumac festering all over my body. Really, it's mostly just arms and legs. I can't remember the last time I had poison ivy/oak/sumac, but let me tell you, it's affects are now vivid in my mind and it sucks. A week ago, I took the boys across the street to the park and we made a small fire (one of their favorite activities from trips to the lake/camping). We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, and apparently tromped through the small batch of undergrowth enough to come in contact with some hideous plant. Brennan got it on his face, and it swelled up pretty badly. We took him to the doctor and he took oral medication along with some type of healing cream. He has recovered very well. Aydan was least impacted of us all. Me, on the other hand, I toughed it out for a day or two, but the constant itching wore me down until one night, awaking at midnight with my skin on fire, I absolutely shredded my arms and legs--which did not help the situation.

The good news is that in the past couple of days, I have found some very helpful solutions for dealing with the itch and, hopefully, getting it to go away.

1) Scalding: Granted, this is a man's man solution. It is also the "I'm stubborn and don't want to spend the money to see a doctor" solution. When your skin itches, you absolutely cannot scratch, lest you spread the poison, so instead you blast your skin with ridiculously hot water. Ideally, you start mildly hot and work your way up to scalding. In all honesty, it is one of the most blissful sensations I have ever felt. It hurts like crazy, but it feels like your skin is being feverishly scratched, up to a point where you almost cannot bear it, and then the itch-sensor nerves burn out and die (for a few hours). It is glorious, especially when you've been itching for hours and hours at work and have been doing everything you can not to itch. Honestly, overheating the skin with hot water is the best anti-itch therapy I've found.

2) Fels Naptha: This is a laundry detergent in bar soap format. I guess it was designed to help lift grease stains out of fabrics. As such, it does a great job drying out your skin (which is necessary to suck out the poison and begin healing). I apply it right after the hot water treatment, lathering up a thick layer on the moist skin and letting it air dry. It leaves a caked on, yellowish-white film over your skin, and sometimes it flares up like a pin has been stuck on a certain area of your skin, and if you move a lot it can feel like your skin is cracking. Still, it seems to have been helping. I've applied it right before bed the past two nights, and I have slept soundly and undisturbed by itching.

I found out recently that there is an over-the-counter product called "Technu" which is supposed to help. I saw some pretty dramatic progress photos on a blog, so it's probably worth a shot. I might look for some today, but I think with around $10 of product (the Fels Naptha, which I found at Kroger's, and a small bottle of Technu, if it's available, at Walgreen's) I will have found a solution vastly superior to the $35 cream prescribed by the doctor for Brennan. I'll try to remember to update this with the results.

Also, I have the next few days off from school, so I'll try post a couple more times to catch up on everything.

Glorious November

Unlike my brother, who despises November in his foreign homeland, I love it in mine. It brings a break from the oppressive and endless heat and sunshine of north-central Texas. So driving today (to get a root canal, incidentally) I was relishing a new song ("Charlie Darwin," by Low Anthem), a new appearance to the landscape (with surprisingly beautiful yellows and oranges turning the leaves), and a new coolness to the breeze.

Some brief updates. I'm ashamed to say that I failed to post an enormous blurb on Aydan's baptism with occurred in October. So celebrate with us regarding our son's momentous decision!

Um...I thought I had more. Here are a couple pictures.

Randomnicity

My dearest brother Eric has requested my participation in the following challenge.

1. Post the rules on your blog
2. Write 6 random things about yourself
3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post
4. If you're tagged, DO IT and pass on the tag

Since I live continually for his approval, and since he was the one to influence me toward starting this blog, here goes.

1. If I could pick any place in the world that I would want to see, right now, at this moment, I intensely long to see Bruges (it's in Belgium).
2. I never tie my shoes. I pick slip-on shoes or flip flops for the most part, but will "permanently" tie my other shoes to avoid messing with this step.
3. I bike 6 miles every day (well, every weekday. And I know that's not amazing for the Dutch constituency, but for us fat, ignorant Americans, that's something).
4. The right side of my face is aging more quickly than the left. Currently it is home to all my gray hairs (both on my head and in my beard).
5. I saw the story of Bearskin on PBS when I was a kid. I tend to live like Bearskin for periods at a time, and then when I do go about clipping nails, shaving, and showering, I repeat in my head the line the actor said to the devil, "Now, villain. Make me clean!" It's a fun little game.
6. Being a t-shirt and shorts kind of guy, people might find it hard to believe that if I could, I would wear tailored, 3-piece suits every day of my life.


Now, TAG...you're it.

1. Michael Lazenby (because I know KEK jr. is stuntin', but I want to hear what else is up)
2. Nate Steiner (because ever since he stiffed me and did not come to my party, he won't talk to me any more. I know you feel guilty buddy, but we need to hear from you!)
3. Brian Rhea (for the input of a liberal...or is that liberated...mind)
4. HM (because I'll flirt with you any way I can)
5. Kelly (because you KNOW you can say some randomness)
6. Barak and John (because I ran out of people who read this and blog)

recent happenings

all right, this must be brief, but I told two people today I'd update the blog (and the world) with things I've been working at lately, so here goes.

My website.
I now have a website that I use for my classes (assigning homework, providing links, make-up work, etc.) If you want to be totally thrilled...go do something else. But if you want to be mildly amused, check it out.

My podcast.
I still cannot search for it in iTunes, but you can subscribe THROUGH iTunes by following the hyperlink and doing so at the site (look in the bottom right-hand corner of the black rectangle). Again, don't go expecting something amazing. They are recordings of my class lectures/discussions.

My painting.


There it is in all its glory. Time is being sucked away from this pursuit. I'd still like to finish it soon, but here is the current stage of progress. (My bad...the garlic is actually more complete than this, I just don't have the picture on my computer yet.)

So there it is. My life in a nutshell. Enjoy.

Our Life

It's all a bit fuzzy, but I seem to remember Saturdays as a time my dad would slip in a movie and relax. It seems like they were movies Mom would not particularly enjoy, so dad watched them alone while she did something else and we kids were off playing (I do this exact thing today). On two occasions, I remember walking in and pausing to watch the movies with my dad. Both instances had a profound impact on my life. One thing that stands out is that on both occasions I think Dad was so moved by the film that he was actually crying. That's a hard thing for a kid to understand, when crying only represented sadness or pain. Because of this mystery, I think the movies themselves took on greater mystery and profundity for me. I did not realize fully how much impact they had until more recently in my adult life.

The first was "Man of La Macha." I remember watching the "Impossible Dream" scene. Ever since I've had a fascination with Don Quixote. I bought the soundtrack for the musical in jr. or sr. high (I still have it...on casset). I bought the movie as an adult. I painted a print of Don Quixote for my living room (much like the statue of Don Quixote that sits in Dad's office, which he brought back from Equador I think, which I drew a picture of when I was very young--and still have, thanks to Mom). The concept of the knight errant and striving against impossible odds for the sake of nobility...even to the point that is seems like madness...still stirs my heart to this day. It is, for me, the picture of discipleship. As Brennan Manning said, "(quoting Zorba the Greek)'It takes a touch of folly, you see? You have to risk everything.' In the final analysis, discipleship is a life of sublime madness."

The second film lurked like a ghost in my mind for years. It was a shadow, falling across various events in later life, but the original form was unclear. This shadow came in the form of a song. It was a chorus singing a beautiful, swelling, triumphant and bright song. I heard it in that film on some Saturday morning in the late 80's. I was probably 8-10 years old. Then in jr. high, watching a news program called "Channel One" (where Anderson Cooper got his start), I heard it again. Again, 15 years later, the song popped up on a PBS documentary. Seeing my chance, I checked PBS records and credits hoping to find the name of the tune. After fruitless searching, I checked BBC records, still to no avail. Finally, in desperation, I emailed KERA, our local station, and asked for more information. I figured it was a long shot, and after weeks of no response, I forgot again about the song, and it slipped back into the shadows of my mind.

Yesterday, a representative from KERA responded, forwarding a 15 page document sent to her from the BBC containing all credits, including still clips, video segments, quotes included in narration, and every track used in the documentary. I listened to each song on iTunes until I found..."Vita Nostra." The film, release in 1986, was "The Mission." Ironically, I discovered the song "Gabriel's Oboe" (also from the soundtrack) when I made a mix tape for an oboe player I dated in high school, but I didn't find "Vita Nostra." Now it seems like so many years of searching finally end at a time when I am most able to see and understand their significance. Again, another film of sacrifice and service. Again, the inspiring themes of grace (have you viewed the scene when De Niro's penitent baggage of armor is cut away by the natives?), devotion, living on the fringe and giving all, even unto death.

I am glad I shared those brief moments with my dad on a forgotten Saturday long ago. Even more, I'm glad that those moments only reinforced the heart of my father...and our Father.
They are our passions.
They are from our God.
They are the dream that inspires our life.
Vita Nostra.

Crack the Whip

Two weeks 'til life gets nuts. So this week I'm cracking the whip.

I'll take time off from art history, and I WILL paint (a fruit still life AND at least 1 color chart).

I'll work out, but I'm also doing this. Join in if you life. (Thanks Eric.)

Then, of course, there is a date with Heather, working in my classroom, studying art history, and enjoying the pool with my boys. It will be busy, but worthwhile. Wish me luck, and pray for success.

peace.

OCD and...eh...screw it

That is my life, it seems.

Last night while typing my ode to Heather, I had an overwhelming sense of deja vu. But I couldn't remember whether I actually wrote something similar not too long ago on this blog, or if I had just intended to, started, and then quit in frustration. Shaking off the odd feeling, I resolved to pour through the archives until I settled the matter for myself as soon as I finished typing. And when the post was finished...I went to bed.

My syllabus MUST be done. I am keen to finish and have some comfort that at the very least, I have a rough schedule to adhere to. But each time I attempt to work on it again it only reminds me that I have no idea what to do. So I synthesize multiple sources, I want to look into this and that, plan here and there, revise this outline or that powerpoint....and then I have to go to the bathroom and end up reading 2 chapters in my book.

Tonight I am simultaneously uploading all my bookmarks/favorites onto a site called del.icio.us/jayasp (check it out, if you like) AND downloading all sorts of art history podcasts to my new 80 gig ipod (received free and clear...thanks KISD!!). But bookmarking makes me remember that on a disc somewhere are other bookmarks not currently on my bookmarks tab. And downloading podcasts reveals that I'm current neither in the downloading of nor in the listening to multiple Spanish-learning, sermon and NPR podcasts. QUICK! Find the CD! QUICK!! Update all podcasts! Eh...screw it. It's good enough.

I seriously teeter on the edge of losing my mind because I want to have everything perfect, and yet mostly give up and leave everything so far from perfect just to keep my sanity.

There are just too many things, you know? Sometimes you have to let a couple of balls drop. So today I should have painted, done color charts, made some phone calls, submitted my syllabus, gotten ready for company, etc. but it just could not ALL be done.

Gotta go--so much to do. Well...never mind, I think I'll go watch TV.

To My Girl

(I don't know if you always take the time to stop and read this when you open up the internet. I'm hoping the title grabs your attention. Here, I hope to shout from the rooftops how much I love you.)

Let it be known to all that I have an amazing wife.

During dinner tonight, while talking to family, the discussion of household chores (for children/as children) and division of labor (among spouses) came up. The two other couples talked about how helpful and supportive the men were. Then it came our turn, and I jokingly talked about whipping Heather into shape so that she does all the work. Only that is not a joke. She seriously does just about everything. She even joked about cutting our friend's yard, and when the friend inquired if Heather made me go and do it, Heather responded, "Are you kidding? He doesn't even mow our lawn! I did it!" But here is the most amazing thing: she didn't say it reproachfully. She doesn't complain about how heavy her load is. She doesn't screech in my ear that I don't do enough. I can't begin to say how grateful I am for a wife who supports me: who bought a house with a studio before her husband even knew how to paint, who cooks, cleans, chases kids, balances the books, and works on the side so her husband can do what he loves (read, "can be at a job that makes very little money") and then spend hours practicing at his easel out back. If I ever do become a great teacher, or if I ever am able to make a living as an artist, it will only be because of her. That blows my mind.

I have already told her this, but I feel so loved when my wife tells me my hair looks good. She said so in front of her family. That seems petty or vain, but I like to experiment; to change my look. Early on, she was frustrated at my attempts to intentionally look weird, to try a style that didn't quite work, to grow my hair longer (or shave it off) or grow a beard just to see how it looked (okay, okay...and for the attention). But it astounds me the way she has grown. And here's the thing: it's not just that she is more open to my looks or my whims. She is more comfortable with herself--comfortable with the way she looks, secure in her relationship to God, eager to worship and serve him, free to love others and be comfortable with them as they are. That makes me so proud of her. And it makes me feel loved that I can be lovely in her eyes, regardless of the way I look.

And our togetherness has grown over the years. We still have our separate tastes. Hip hop vs. mellow/drama. TV vs. "A Prairie Home Companion." But she listens to NPR because she loves me, and even better, because she is big enough to embrace new things. I can't say I've been able to love rap because she loves it, but she has opened herself to a million things I love, and we now listen to the same things, laugh at the same quoted movie lines, and explore new things together.

To my diligent, hard-working, sacrificial, supporting, serving, passionate, devoted, confident, open, embracing, growing, learning, CROWN of a wife....
HM, I love you.

(Special photo credits to Mandy Rawson who took these phenomenal shots. Thanks!)

apples & tangerines

Here are progress shots on a tangerine painting that I nearly completed, but basically gave up on. It's messed up: the shadow area is too light, and the overall appearance of the tangerine is too cut out, too plastic-y, not integrated enough into the painting. So there you go. (Oh...and the ghost-like orb beneath the tangerine is a false start that never really got covered up.)






I painted with Jon today. Here's what I accomplished in a couple hours (it's a copper pot with purple flowers; the other lines are indications for other items in the still life which I did not get to).

with appreciation to Bishop, "art historian" i ain't

You can smoke a pipe and not be intellectually refined.
You can don glasses and not be any smarter.
You can teach a course in art history and not be an art historian.

So I am learning. I completed a week-long training last Friday, and supposedly I am now fully ready to teach a course on art from the dawn of time to the present day to a group of eager young minds.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
As I poured over sample syllabi today, I was painfully aware that I had no idea how to structure the flow of the course, let alone enough mastery of the content to actually offer instruction. So this will be a painful year of keeping one step ahead of the students and trying not to be overwhelmed.

All of this makes me think of fear. It's something I've delt with quite a bit lately. Every time I start a new painting, I'm a little bit afraid (and yes, similar thoughts, like, "holding a paintbrush does not make you a painter" do spring to mind here). What if it turns out terribly? What if I don't know how to finish it? Those are the big two. (Oh...did I mention that I concluded my 2+ years of training this past Saturday? So I have graduated...and I'm now on my own).
A mentor once told me that your greatest strength is often your double-weakness. So for me, years of never having to really try, countless successes with everything coming to me easily, it is a bit daunting---no, it's downright terrifying---to push myself past my limits and try to become something more. And this is where fear threatens to undo me. I don't know if I have what it takes to become a great painter, but I WANT to be one. I don't know if I'll be able to do a great job teaching this year, but I'd LIKE to do so. I will admit to sandbagging in the past. Previously, when faced with such challenges, I'd give up or sort of half-ass it. That way I could always say, "It didn't turn out well? Eh....if I'd done my best it would have been awesome." That's much easier to come to terms with than saying, "It bombed? That sucks...I gave it everything."

So I'll wrap up my post. I'll go back to slugging away at the prep for this year's art history. I'll paint tomorrow, even if the end result is less than fantastic. And I'll keep pushing on, even though....shhhh, come in close....i'm freaking out.

finished product

in case you were interested

and now a moment of silence for those things we have lost due to the advances of technology

Mix tapes! Remember those cheap expressions of love; the only way to share thoughts and ideas about sound? Sure, they weren't the best technology--with poor (compared to modern standards) sound, easily coming unwound or being improperly dubbed (resulting in silence; once, when this occurred with my friend Drew he lamented, "It feels like a snag got caught and pulled, unraveling the beautiful sweater I knitted for you"). It was the sharing that was so great. "Here are all my best songs. Some will whisper feelings from me to you. Some show my personality. Some may excite new interest in you and open a doorway to a new common interest among us." A mix tape was a presentation of self. These days I sure do miss a mix tape.

(And NO, telling someone to youtube, itunes, or google something is not the same. Today, we put the work on our loved one. It's like Drew handing me a ball of yarn and a pattern and saying, "Good luck.")


The answering machine. Do you remember the excitement of coming home and wondering if anyone had called? It was almost validating to get a message on the machine, because it means you were missed while you were out, busy living your life. And it was a bit of a game. It was always uncertain whether or not you'd have any messages, and 5 or 6 or more messages was like striking oil.

(And NO, voicemails and texts are not the same. Too regular. Too base. Almost as if anyone can intrude on any moment at any time. Formerly you could be unavailable. Today we clamp the electronic leash around our necks each time we head out the door.)



I've never been a video game person, but the Atari was my first and only gaming system (unless you count the Gameboy). I gave up very early, because when Nintendo and the Sega Genesis came along in rapid succession, both JUST after I forked out my hard-earned and carefully-saved cash on the Atari, and both being JUST a bit better (and more expensive), the handwriting was on the wall. I knew I would never be able to keep up, and it would only keep going, faster and faster, and costing more and more. Did you know that from the years 1970-2006, 71 different game systems were developed (not counting hand-helds/portables)?

Now far from letting this lament die, what other things can you think of?

My Man Murphy

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." (Murphy's Law)

How to turn a pruning project into a 3 day ordeal:
1) Trim WAAAAY too much
2) Break your chainsaw
3) Break your chipper/shredder

Now, it sounds worse than it really was. The chainsaw came back to life. We rented the chipper, so aside from the time it took to swap it out for a new one at the Home Depot, it wasn't that big a deal. And, though the brush pile actually grew, compared to the picture above, prior to chipping, the final portion of the project went fairly quickly.

My hands are blistered, my arms are cut, my muscles are sore, but it's (mostly) done. I wish I had taken video of me lashed to a limb 30 feet in the air, pulling up a chainsaw by a rope and then chopping away. Craziness.

Prior to this huge home care project, however, I was able to complete a painting last week. I've decided to include pictures of the initial process of recovering the beaver skull (mostly to make the grid even without any repeats). As always, the pictures of the painting are fairly poor, but I'll be getting a final, higher quality photo soon and I'll post it as soon as it arrives. Enjoy checking out the progress from start to finish.

Just a Few Recent Photos

The boys have been interested in taking photographs recently. Brennan wanted a turn because Aydan has his own little digital camera (which he has been using a great deal this past week). This shot of Lulu is one of the best he took.
Here is one of Aydan's best shots. He's taken one like it before, and I was very effusive about its greatness, and he must have remembered this because he retook the shot, and the result was very similar to the original. I still love it: the reflection of the photographer blending in with the subject. Cool stuff.

While jumping on our trampoline (maybe 6 feet in diameter) Aydan threw a baseball (yes...it was my bad for letting them play with it instead of something softer)--as a pitch, mind you; not to be malicious--to/at his brother. I can just imagine him winging this concrete-hard sphere, overhand, full-force, at Brennan from no more than 3 feet away, and the errant pitch, of course, heads for the nearest eye socket. So Brennan had some frozen peas on his eye for a while, and this pretty shiner was the result. (I had the hardest time getting the lighting right to show the black eye.)

A bad photo, but a great picture. Another attempt to show the black eye. I love it.

Brennan turned 5 last week!! Hooray!! (Don't you love how the boys dressed to match each other that day? They're so stinkin' cute. And here Aydan graciously reads the birthday cards for his brother. Sometimes they're just too sweet.)

Aydan has recently developed this thing where he won't smile when a picture is taken. It works for him though, as he is gorgeously handsome, and the straight face shows off his ridiculously good looks. I wonder who he looks like? From where could he have gotten that beautiful face?

So for all you relatives and far-flung friends out there who haven't seen the fam in a while, there are some of the most recent and best pictures.

And now, if you'll excuse me, the children have fallen asleep and the studio is calling my name...

Fly Me to the Moon, or How I Spent My Day TODAY

The total hours painting this week has gone up to nearly 30. I finished the mural I was working on today. Total hours to complete project: 19 and 1/2. Overall, it turned out okay. Have a look-see.

Pipe Dream, or How I Spent My Day

Summer is officially here. In the past week, I have spent 21 hours painting. Half of that time was business, painting a mural for a friend of Heather. The other half--the longest stretch of time I have ever spent oil painting--was the summation of my day today. What follows is a brief pictorial account.



Okay, so here's the new set-up: beaver skull and pipe. At least I won't worry about it turning brown and spoiling, like the pear.

And here's the set up. The block in you see was done several days ago. (Detail below)

This block in was done only after spending several frustrating hours mixing paint (and never really getting quite the right color/value/tone), putting in an approximation of the painting itself or what I hoped might be undertones...only to realize the drawing itself was ridiculously wrong. So I scrapped the hours of work I'd done, scraped everything off and started over. This is that re-do.

A new block in--very off in regard to tone (that's what I'm calling it, though I'm not sure I'm using it right. I'm referring to warmth/coolness of colors). If you compare to the photograph of the set up you might notice. Still, values are close, and that's what I needed to make sure the "drawing" or block in was right. Also, there was a problem here with the surface on which the items sat being too light. Had to fix that.

I think at this point I was trying to take a picture every hour. Notice any changes?

There is a significant change here. After putting in value, I noticed that the "W" shape on the lower jaw was way too wide. I solved the problem by bringing the left side of the skull in significantly.

Even I don't know what changed during this hour. Frustrating to see so little progress over so much time.

What was I doing for this hour!??!!

I waited to take another shot until the pipe was complete. Hooray!! (Detail below)


Blocking in folds in the fabric behind.

And my bare feet feel like they're going to fall off so at this point I'm calling it done for the day.


I'll post more updates soon (I hope to finish the whole thing by Saturday). I'm also working on color charts to help with mixing colors. The Venitian Red, shown incomplete here, is now totally done. More to come soon!